Baby Jokes

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Things Not To Say During Childbirth

- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

It might be the light.

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

New Dad

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

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